I can't believe daddy is doing this shit again. You would think after almost 15 years of the same damn thing a person would get tired. I mean seriously, my mom left him before I turned 5-years old because he was a whore, he drank too much and he beat her. His girlfriend left for the same reason as my mom within a year of them being together. His second wife left him because he acquired a crack addiction, in addition to all the other shit, by the time I was 10 years old. Every woman in his life has left for one or all of the aforementioned reasons. In the midst of all that, me and Lil Tony have bounced back and forth between what should have been home and our Aunt Leah's house since 1982. It was cool staying with her sometimes but most times I just wanted to have a normal life with a normal family. For those who weren't close to me, it seemed like my life was just like theirs. But for those who were, they knew about all the times my daddy would disappear for days at a time on a crack binge. He would get dressed for work in the mornings, drop me and Lil Tony off at school (and any of our inherited siblings that may have been staying with us), tell us he loved us and that he'll see us later. It took about three times for me to realize that if he kissed me and hugged me a little longer than normal on a Friday that I probably wouldn't see him until Monday or Tuesday of the next week. I guess that was his way of saying goodbye in case something were to happen to him. It's sad that he loves that damn pipe more than he does his own kids. He's never even made arrangements for us to stay anywhere or make sure that we were ok before he disappears. Maybe, because so many people knew what he was doing and stepped up to take us in, he didn't have a need to worry. Aunt Leah's was our home away from home but I didn't like staying there too often. She had two daughters but we didn't mesh well. Michelle, the oldest, thought she was Gods gift to the world and had a horrible attitude. She was only four years older than me yet she made it seem like I was a baby compared to her. The youngest, Nyla, was just supper spoiled. She cried about anything that didn't go her way. My brother already worked my nerves. I wasn't too excited about having another person irritate me on a continuous basis. To avoid being submersed in a variety of different attitudes and temperaments, I would ask Aunt Leah if I could hang out or spend the night with my best friend and closest cousin who lived four blocks over. There were plenty of times that I spent the night with my cousin Racqui. Sometimes it would be weeknights and sometimes it would be the whole weekend. Sometimes she would stay with me but it would only be when my daddy had a "responsible" girlfriend that her mom trusted. No matter where we were, we always had a blast. We sang along with our cassette players, talked to boys on the phone, watch videos, or wrote letters in our journals while sharing with each other some of our deepest secrets. I remember we use to sing and do the routine to "Just Kickin". And one of our favorite songs of all time is "Tonight is the night" by DJ Quik. Man those were the days. My girl is gone now. After Brandon passed, it was hard for her to attend the same high school where we all had built so many memories together. I had to go to her locker for her to get her books because the one she was assigned was one row over from the lockers her and Brandon shared during our Sophomore year. She would burst out crying every time she walked past anything that reminded her of him. I think she only lasted the first week of our Junior year before her mom finally agreed to let her move to Decatur.
After Racqui left I started hanging with the wrong females and ended up getting pregnant at the end of summer prior to our Junior year by a childhood friend who had just joined the military. I spent my entire junior year as the pregnant 16 year old. I turned 17 May 7, 1995 and had my baby four days later. He's eight months old now. I'm suppose to marry his father after I graduate this summer but I'm not too sure I want to do that. The thought of being tied to one man for the rest of my life as soon as I graduate seems like some Color Purple-slavery days type of shit. My mom, my Aunt Leah, and a few of my home girls think it's a good idea. Racqui told me marriage was a huge commitment and suggested I journal about it to help me decide what it is that I really want to do without the opinion of others. So I've just been using this last year of school to sort through everything. I feel like I need to stay here until Lil Tony at least turns 16. That's only 4 years from now. After being clean for two years and having a good woman keep him focused on his rehab I thought things would finally be different. I just don't think I can deal with this crack shit any more. Not with me being a mother now. I don't want my baby growing up seeing the same shit I've seen. Like I said, I want a normal family and it's going to be anything but that if I stay here since my daddy is back to his old ways and binging for the weekend with this crackhead friends. This time his ass took my car because his Jag is broke down. I'm super pissed. Now I have to walk with an eight month old baby and my 12 year old brother to my aunt's house just so that we won't be stuck at home for the weekend. I would wait for my Aunt Leah to get off work but it's 60 degrees and sunny in February. We don't get days like this in the middle of winter very often. I am not trying to be cooped up in the house until 8pm. It'll be dark then. So here I am crossing Murray Lane with a stroller and a straggling 12 year old in my dark blue french cuffed jeans covered with my black Ryder boots, accented with an oversized black and grey off the shoulder sweatshirt and matching black ribbed tank top underneath. My hair is pulled back into a cute, high pony tail and I have on my favorite pair of gigantic silver hoops. If a bitch tell me I ain't cute, I'll gut her like a fish! Nah, I'm just kidding. Seriously though, they better not try it. I wish Lil Tony would walk a little faster because he is cutting into my day time to get out into the streets by making this 15 minute walk turn into a 30 minute walk. Just as I turn around to yell at him for dragging his feet, I notice a brand new white Toyota Camry pulling up with three dudes in it. I recognize two of them from school but the third one is a new face. Just so happens, that is the one trying to holla. He's cute, dark skinned, small framed, nice smile and has just enough swag. He tells me his name is Keniko Lawson but his family calls him Niko for short. His last name let me know he was related to the guys I went to school with and he was probably in the family business which explained the new car with the temp tag, blaring sound system, and rims. The Lawson's had the crack, cocaine, and heroin game on lock. Before I could finish my thoughts, Niko asked me for my number so that he could hit me up later. As I stated, I'm suppose to be getting married to my child's father in less than four months so that I can secure this nice, normal family that I have longed for since I was 5-years old. I'm suppose to be a housewife married to a military man with the military discounts, nice house, good education for my child, and a comfortable lifestyle. Yes, that is what I want. I have no doubt that is what I want. So why on earth did I just give this man my number and then tell him that I don't like to be kept waiting? Not only am I engaged, not only do I have an eight month old son, not only is the man directly related to the largest drug cartel in the Bootheel and probably a supplier to my daddy's addiction but he's five years my senior. Yet, something about him intrigues me. Something about him makes me want to see what he has to offer. Racqui may be right…. there is plenty of time for marriage.
Write Out Loud ~ Scroll Diaries
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